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Have you ever felt the ecstasy on achieving something that fell completely outside your personality? Has your fantasy ever taken you to a place from where there seems to be no return? Has your imagination become so vivid that you have failed to distinguish the thing imagined from reality?
I imagined a life, filled with love and hope and ideals. In my fantasy I gave up all that I was, so as to absorb the other. The fuzzy other became so real that to think now of a life without him seems scary. I thought that I had finally discovered, what I believed to be love, I believed that I had finally found the source of my happiness.
Every night I spent hours creating and recreating my fantasy, living through every moment as if it was the beginning of the journey that would lead to my happiness. I not only imagined my own happiness, but forgot the anguish of others as I felt that love could ease all pain.
I spent hours begging my Lord to make this dream turn into a reality. In my head I found a place for him in my family, I envisioned the arguments for and against the relationship and pondered deeply into the answers. I looked at my source of power and included her in my vision as somebody who would help me achieve this ideal.
But then Danish walked in. Unprepared, I faltered. I felt a pain I had never felt before. My head swirled. I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t loose – that would be an insult. I searched his eyes, as I always did, for answers, but as usual I was left confused. My confusion made me lose my confidence, but again I tried to pacify my soul, I told myself that this insecurity was endearing. But fear gripped me, so strongly that I couldn’t see; everything seemed foggy.
It was too hazy, I was terrified, I felt I was jinxing my own fate, but at the same time I felt that if I didn’t dream I would lose out completely.
I can’t stop imagining it. But the desire for its fulfillment seems to have fazed, not because I don’t want it anymore, but because I am overcome by the fear. I fear that I will be compared and I will never measure up to his yard stick.
I know my rejection is near, and therefore the defense mechanism kicks in, I want to be the one to let go, but still the questioning and doubt don’t seem to cease, I can’t make him think he won.
But why am I doing this? Why at the cost of my own suffering?
I am not good enough; I don’t know enough and never will.
Anxiety – please God just let me succeed; just take away this confusion, this pain, and this overwhelming misery. If my fate holds tears, then let it be carved in stone, and let them flow, my Lord, let me feel the hurt. But if there is the slightest chance that you will listen, please show me the way.
I can’t keep feeling like this my Lord, I need to recognize the love and if it exists not, then I need to understand the lack of it. If the lacking comes from the fact that I lack, then guide me in filling this hollowness.
You swore my Lord that I will suffer as much as I can take, I don’t think I can take this my Lord, my heart has opened after a long time, and if this time it shuts, defeated, then I don’t see a future. I can’t do it my Lord, I can’t try any more, I can’t hold back the tears my Lord, I can no longer suppress my fears. It has to be easy my lord, this time it needs to come on a plate, I cant make an effort again my Lord, I am completely burnt out. I don’t know how to act my Lord, I can’t seem to understand the feeling, I don’t have time my Lord I feel it all closing.
When I close my eyes, I only see the face, of the one I can’t have, my Lord, the one I have repelled. I dream about it when asleep and awake; I feel I am losing my Lord, please help me keep my faith! Please don’t hold back, my Lord, I can’t do this on my own, I fear my own sanity, I fear I am nearing the end. I don’t know how to react, please put the words in my mouth, tell me what to do, my Lord, please don’t leave me now.
I can no longer breathe, my Lord, my sensitivities are aroused, I want to do it, my Lord, I no longer want to lose out.
One year later…
…and I still haven’t found what I am looking for…
So drive me far away. To a destination unknown. Where no one knows me, and I know no on, where time ceases, where pigs fly, where fantasy prevails, and reality is your own creation. Where I can see no more, the truth that I deny; where I no longer live in anguish and where my despair triumphs. I can’t ask for anything more, I cannot give up, so if I lose, I want this to be the end – of life, if that’s what it entails.
I imagine my life without hope, but it doesn’t end my, the instinct still persists. I feel, my Lord, that this is all a lie; I try to end this loneliness inside. But it doesn’t cease, I always find myself at the beginning, of the same road, my Lord, why is this not ending> I don’t want it to, my Lord; I don’t want this to be my trial, I want a saviour, my Lord, I don’t want to die.